I have been used and overused by guys

How can the heart of a man be so wicked. I stayed up last night hurt and broken. Please hid my identity. So i have been having sxx with a guy for a few years now and we have been having issues. A few months ago I summoned the courage to break up and i was healing and then he came back again. We have had this circle for a while so I told him it’s either he was in or he was out because I was tired of all the ups and down and i deserved to be happy.
I care about who i have sxx with so it was just him and he knew it.

 

He just said ok but he kept coming back. Truth is he is my kryptonite I can’t say no to him. My friends said he was my mumu bottin. I shouldn’t be complaining though because he wasn’t raping me it was consensual.

A few weeks ago he came came to my house and requested we have sxx in the car. Am adventurous and it shouldn’t mean anything but I had to wonder what was wrong with his house for him to want to do in his car. I told him I wasn’t f**king inside his car he kept on asking why I just said no. After about 30 mins in the car and series of foreplay we had sxx. I came home feeling stupid.

After a week or so he came back again and requested another car sxx. So i had to ask him what was really wrong with his house and he said they just posted a new staff here and he was staying with him.
According to him he doesn’t enjoy having sxx with me just  in the bedroom I believed him because I couldn’t see why he would lie because he can be blunt and in a way I trust his words.

Fastforward to yesterday he came and said we should go home because we had been sxxting all day. But then this time he drove to his house. We had sxx all over the place apart from the bedroom and afterwards I stood up to wash off. He stays in a two bedroom flat I went to the guest room toilet and the tissue was wet so I entered the other room immediately I noticed a  female bag I just walked pass and entered the bathroom. While inside I was just saying please don’t try to hid the bag because if u do I will know it’s for a girl

I came out and truly he noticed the bag and hid it. I was shaking and trying to control myself. I asked him to be honest was it just the staff that was staying here or they was somebody else. He was like what sort of question is that and i was like please answer me. He now said they was somebody else.

I felt like cold water was poured on me. I had to ask why have sxx with me and come back to another girl? Can’t u wait till the lady in ur house was gone. You will come f**k me and go back to your house to sleep with another woman is it not the same vagina?

I left the house that night walking in the rain as if i was mentally unstable how I got home is still a miracle I just kept on walking as I could barely breath I had to ask myself how I deserve to be treated as such, what have I done wrong? Am I ugly or am such a dumb person.

While on my way I stopped to buy a pregnancy test kit because the first time we had sxx I was ovulating. Even though I took postinor 2 I was still scared I was hoping it will be negative but it was a big fat positive.
I have had 7 abortions already for him after the last one that I almost died I had promised myself to be careful but here i am stupid enough to be pregnant for him again. As I write this am sitting dazed asking myself what to do. I feel like just dying  what will i do have another abortion or keep the baby or better just commit suicide because I don’t even know where to go from here. I don’t have a job how will i take Care of myself? Am soooo confused right now.